Apparently this is our house...

... it looks like our house. The proximity to the beach is about right and I don't know many other people with such an awkward 90 degree-angled driveway. And the sign is on our front lawn so it must be our house. But what confused me were the following words:

• Layout allows easy movement between the formal living, three double bedrooms and bathroom off the main.
• The dining area opens onto the generous kitchen that extends to a covered outdoor area.
• If you want to be acquainted with the long days of beachside living, this is your chance.

What the....?

I think what they might actually mean is

• House quite small so all rooms are quite close together.
• There is a separate lounge-room so you don't have to try and squeeze your sofa into the dining/kitchen area.
• If you're lucky you might get a double bed into each of the three bedrooms, although you won't get much else in the third room so I wouldn't bother.
• The bathroom has a door leading to the main bedroom. Don't be fooled into thinking this is an ensuite. It isn't, and in fact can get very confusing when people come to stay or if there are more than two people living there. In fact, unless there are only two of you I fail to see the point of this additional door.
  
• The dining area and kitchen are basically in one big room with patio doors. You may find that although the kitchen looks big, it is actually quite small and poorly designed, with lots of wasted space, awkward corner cupboards and most of the cupboards squeezed into the corner where the stove is so that if one person is cooking you can forget about getting much else done, such as putting the dishes away or grabbing a glass of water. And don't even get me started on the stove; I have three words: rip it out.
  
• You will enjoy a reasonable amount of shade from the covered outdoor area but don't expect to stay dry in rain as it leaks really badly. And it flaps around in high winds. In fact, you may as well just replace the whole thing.
  
• Er... really not sure about the "long days" business. The days aren't any longer because you live at the beach, in fact they probably seem shorter because it's so nice but to be fair, if you can afford to buy this house you're probably either rich and retired, in which case the days may be very long, or you work all the hours God sends to pay off your mortgage, in which case the days you get to spend at the house will probably seem very short.

So if anyone fancies buying a beach house and renting it out to us, come along to the auction on 21st July and bring a spare $600,000. I'll be the one in the bed, clutching my head and moaning "Get out of my house and leave me in peace, you evil, evil people" as the boys from work are treating me to a Buckette's party the night before - how nice of them. Thank God the new Harry Potter book is released that day. It may be my only salvation - if I can get my eyes to work.

Caveat: I'm not dissing the house. It's a very nice house and we would be very happy to stay here a while longer. A little overpriced perhaps, but everything around here is. I just find real estate agent speak quite amusing and the positive spin they've given this property is very impressive.